


hours add up

by vent_ficpog



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Other, Sleepy Bois Inc Angst, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), im dysphoric lol, literally me venting bc i’ve been binding for too long, trans author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:41:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28863474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vent_ficpog/pseuds/vent_ficpog
Summary: i’m very dysphoric rn like been sat in my binder for 40 hours type dysphoric anyway here’s me venting through my hyperfixations! if ccs mention they don’t like vent fics ect that’s cool and i’ll take it down !!——everyday seems to be a bad day when you aren’t being you.aka tommy wears his binder for too long and sbi and friends help him out bc i wish i had a support system like this :]
Relationships: none lol
Comments: 29
Kudos: 706





	hours add up

the car moved down the street, maneuvering through traffic. car horns beeped and people walked along the sides of the road.

tommy glanced in his side mirror. he contemplated reaching out and opening the door and falling out into the traffic behind him. he envisioned it. he saw himself hit the ground and roll into the cars.

he blinked harshly and the vision was gone. this had been happening a lot recently. he would see the many ways he could die and he had the urge to impulsively follow them.

a ring forced the thoughts from his mind and he glanced down at his phone, waiting for the red light to change. he glanced at the caller ID and it read **_beeboy._**

he swore and quickly hit the gas pedal as the light changed green. he pulled into a parking lot off the main road and picked up his phone, clicking the green call accept button.

”tommy! want to stream tonight?”

”shit. uhm, i’m driving right now-“

tubbo yelled out, “WHAT?? focus on the road, you’ll crash! i’ll call you back okay?”

”tubbo, im parked.” he laughed, leaning back in his chair.

“oh! okay. anyway is that a yes to streaming when you get home?” tubbo said enthusiastically.

”of course!” 

—————

he glanced over at tubbo’s chat swiftly as they progressed in the game. they’d been playing for about an hour and there had been many similar chat messages to the one he was about to read.

**_whys tommy’s voice so high lol bet he’s secretly a girl_ **

it was a joke, of course it was. and he knew that. he cut off what he was saying to tubbo and shrunk in his chair.

“tommy?”

”hold on, father needs me for a moment.” he muted his microphone and hit his fist on his knee hard, which he did whenever he was nervous. 

he threw off the headset and clamped his hands over his ears. his breathing picked up quickly and stream chat began to notice his absence was abnormally long.

**_where’s tommy lol_ **

**_uh?? it’s been awhile is he okay lol_ **

**_guys i think he died /j_ **

he may as well have. because holy shit, he felt like he was dying now. due to his oncoming panic attack and the already heavy restriction to his chest, he couldn’t breathe well enough to have sufficient oxygen.

he hadn’t been wearing his binder all that long. he had taken a break when he got home from college, putting it back on a bit before stream. he knew now, though, he wouldn’t take it off for quite awhile.

words echoed through his head. 

**my _daughter_**

_**girl** _

**_she_ **

he screamed at himself, not caring how loud. he screamed and screamed. he was a boy! a boy. he knew that. but why didn’t everyone else?

he took a couple more minutes to calm his breathing before moving back to his desk and texting tubbo via discord.

 **tommyinnit:** logging off for the night

 **tubbo:** is everything okay? chats worried

 **tommyinnit:** everything’s good just tired. thanks for having me.

he grabbed his headphones and set them back on, hearing tubbo announce that tommy would be leaving. he signed out of the game they had been playing and shut down his computer.

—————

he paced his room, looking around and pulling at his hair. it had been over 26 hours since it happened but he was still wearing his binder and he refused to take it off. every time the pain almost made him, his brain reminded him how much of a girl he would be to everyone.

a sharp stinging in his ribs sent him to the floor. he wrapped his arms around his stomach as breathing became dangerous. it hurt so badly. he would have to take it off soon. 

_**but he wouldn’t.** _

he tried his best to ignore it as he made his way to his desk chair. he checked discord for the first time since he messaged tubbo the previous day.

he had a few messages from his mods about his new video and the editing but other than that, it was relatively quiet. he opened up the “SBI and friends” discord and immediately wilbur noticed his online status.

 **wilbursoot:** TOMMY!!! hop in vc, we are hanging out. 

**tommyinnit:** is anyone live?

 **wilbursoot:** nah 

**tommyinnit:** okay i’ll join

he clicked the vc they were in and muted himself quickly while the rest of his friends yelled out, greeting him.

”hey tommy, why are you muted? come hang out with us!” phil said, mic crackling a little as he adjusted the gain.

he sent a quick message into VC text, simply saying no.

”why? come on, it’s just us!” tubbo spoke up.

”yeah!” wilbur agreed.

tommy hovered over the unmute button and the call fell silent, waiting for him. he remembered the comment on his voice and he went to VC text, quickly typing a message.

 **tommyinnit:** sorry can’t lol

”what? why? cmon tommy we missed you!” the sound of a cat piano was audible from the call.

tommys breathing picked up again and he began to hit his hand on his knee.

 **tommyinnit:** missed me?? i wasn’t even gone

”you were ignoring our pings for like, a day and a half.” techno laughed a little, continuing, “you okay?”

 **tommyinnit:** yep. just peachy.

the call went silent once again. another wave of shocks to his ribs hit him harder than before and he slammed his hand on his keyboard when he tried to catch himself from toppling over.

he was too busy clutching at his chest to notice he had hit his unmute hot key.

”fucking ow.” he let out a wheezy breath and hit his knee with his fist. “fuck.” he muttered.

”tommy? are you okay?” tubbo asked. “what happened? are you hurt?”

tommy swiftly looked up to his PC to see he was unmuted.

”oh shit, hey guys. yeah i’m good, didn’t mean to unmute.” he said, making his voice small.

”tommy please don’t lie to us if you’re hurt. what happened?” wilbur moved closer to his computer and spoke again, “hold on, i’ll be over in a minute-“

”NO. i’m okay, wil.” he yelled. his voice came out higher than he wanted and he almost started crying.

”tommy, are you hurt? no bullshit.” phil spoke up.

”no, okay? i’m just.. it’s personal, all right?” he reached forwards and grabbed his mouse, moving to disconnect.

”you sounded in pain, pretty severely. tommy remember what we spoke about last week?” tommy heard phil’s chair move a little and he looked over to the icons on the screen. 

“what you spoke about last week? way to be cryptic, phil.” techno mumbled. 

“yeah. i remember, phil.”

he thought back on the conversation. tommy had been binding for 18 hours, so not as bad as right now, and phil noticed on stream that tommy looked uncomfortable. he was the only person tommy was out to, besides his parents, but phil was more of a dad to him than his real dad.

he sent tommy a dm telling him to end stream in the next 5 minutes and to call him. tommy’s stream was already winding down, so he didn’t mind.

he said goodbye to his audience quickly and rang phil.

”tommy are you okay?” phil spoke quickly.

”yeah? why?” tommy shifted in his chair, double checking his webcam was off.

“tommy you were super uncomfortable and you kept wincing.” phil sighed. “how long have you been wearing your binder?”

”uh. i’m not sure,” he replied. 

“bullshit. i’m sorry tommy, but you always keep track.” he heard a few keys click on phil’s keyboard.

tommy stared past his computer and tried to take a deep breath, finding it too painful. “phil, calm down. it’s not a big deal. just not feeling good today, alright?” 

“how long, tommy?” phil persisted.

tommy groaned and sat up in his chair. “i don’t know, like 17 to 18 hours? listen i know that sounds bad-“

phil cut him off instantly, “TOMMY! 18 hours? jesus christ. tommy you need to take a break. now please.” 

“no! i’m okay, phil, i promise!” he pleaded.

“tommy i will get in my car and drive over there right now,” phil laughed a little and paused. “please, tommy.”

”fine.”

he pushed the memory from his mind in favor of the current conversation. 

“alright and you know what im saying, right?” phil continued carefully.

”yeah, yeah. ill be back in a minute guys.” tommy moved his mouse and clicked mute, not moving from his chair. he listened to the conversation they were having, thinking he was gone.

”phil what the hell are you two on about?”

”not my place to say, sorry techno.” he answered.

”is tommy okay?” tubbos voice sounded small and hurt.

”yeah, what tubbo said.” he recognized that as wilbur, due to the idle strumming of a guitar.

”he’s fine, boys. he’s a bit of a dumbass sometimes,” phil said, laughing. “but yeah, he’s okay.”

”why can’t we know, though?” tubbo continued.

”that’s his thing to tell you when he’s ready, not for me to say.” tommy reminded himself to thank phil for that after the call.

tommy decided he’d been gone long enough that they’d be convinced he had changed out of his binder, so he unmuted.

”hey, i’m back!” he tried to sound cheerful, but it fell a bit flat. his thoughts quickly returned to the negative, despite still wearing his binder.

_**girl** _

_**my daughter** _

_**she** _

_**her** _

_**girl** _

_**girl** _

_**girl** _

”-mmy? THOMAS INNIT,” techno raised his voice slightly, pulling tommy out of the thoughts.

”yeah?” he said, hitting his knee with his fist. he had learned it was a stim that happened when he was overwhelmed or nervous.

“he was asking if you were open to telling us what phil’s on about.” wilbur filled in. “you don’t have to, of course.”

he thought for a moment and took as deep a breath as he could. 

“yeah, i think i can.” 

tubbo gasped and spoke up, a little louder than he probably meant to, “wait if this is serious should we turn on our cameras?”

”oh shit, yeah that’s a good idea. cameras on everyone,” wilbur answered.

one by one the cameras flicked on, tommy’s last.

“hold on, check dms tommy,” phil said. he clicked into the dms and saw three messages.

 **ph1lza:** you got this 

**ph1lza:** i’m 100% sure they will react positively 

**ph1lza:** tom bud i know your still wearing it but we can work that out later, how long?

 **tommyinnit:** 27 hrs or so now 

**ph1lza:** i am going to punt you to mars

tommy laughed a little until it caused a searing pain to sting through his chest.

”so? what is it tommy?” techno asked, playing with a pen and twirling it over his hand.

”uhm.” he drummed his fingers on the desk and looked at his friends faces on the screen. “i’ve not been honest. and if you wanna hate me or like, get a hitman for me, go for it, i probably deserve it.” he attempted a small laugh and went on. “i wasn’t always like this. a boy.” 

all noise on the call stopped and he watched their faces fill with confusion and then realization. 

tubbo, apparently, never got that realization and he spoke. “what? what does that even mean?” he scratched at his head and waited.

”tubbo, do you know what trans means?”

”i mean i get some donos about people coming out as trans because of my streams but not really sure what it is. is it bad?”

”well i’m the wrong person to ask that, considering i hate myself for it more than anything.” tommy was hoping to relieve some tension but he somehow managed to make it worse. “but no, tubbo, it’s not a bad thing. it means someone was born as a different gender than who they really are. it’s like waking up everyday with a body that doesn’t match your head.” he explained. “i am and always have been a boy in my head, but i was born with a body that doesn’t match that.”

tubbo paused, thinking. “so you were born as the wrong person?”

”yeah, something like that. i wouldn’t say the wrong person, just the wrong form.” he smiled a little and looked to phil’s camera. he was smiling too.

”oh! okay, well, you said you always have been a boy in your mind so you are a boy. nothing changes between any of us for that, and we all still love you!” tubbo said, adjusting his camera.

“yeah. i’m so proud of you, tommy.” wilbur said, techno nodding in agreement.

”so wait, why would that hurt you physically?” tubbo never seemed to run out of questions and sometimes it was nice, but right now it was not the goal.

he winced and looked to his wall behind his computer. “well, since my body is wrong i have to wear something called a binder. basically smushes your chest flat. only issue is it’s not good to wear for longer than like, 8 hours i think.”

”okay..? so how long have you been wearing it?” wilbur asked, piecing it together.

”okay- none of you are allowed to get mad, because phil does that for you.” he paused, “27 ish hours-“

yells erupted out in the call and he vaugely heard wilbur yell “YOU IDIOT”.

”i said no getting mad!” he couldn’t help but laugh a little.

”yeah, well, this little shit tricked me into thinking he took off said binder but he’s still wearing it.” phil said, pointing to tommy’s webcam on his screen. he then looked right at his camera. “you’re gonna break your ribs, tom.”

“yeahhhhhhh..” he said, drawing out the end of the word. 

“go change out of it, you bloody idiot!” wilbur cried out.

techno and tubbo agreed quickly and tommy looked to his feet.

“fine,” he mumbled.


End file.
